Enormous Bidens Visit Tiny Carters

A transcript of the proceedings

Photo courtesy of the Carter Center. The distortion is in the original photo, likely caused by the photographer’s use of a wide angle lens in a small space.

The following is the transcript of the conversation between Joe and Dr. Jill Biden and Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter on the occasion of the Bidens’ visit to the Carters’ home in Plains, Georgia on May 3, 2021.

Joe: Jimmy! How are you?

Jimmy: I’m doing great, Joe, except for one thing.

Rosalynn: Jimmy, no!

Jimmy: Hush, Rosalynn, it needs to be said. Joe, you’re huge. They say people grow in the presidency but, well, it’s a little intimidating.

Joe: [Laughing] I wasn’t going to say anything, but you and Rosalynn are tiny. Don’t you think, Jill?

Jill: Dr. Jill. And yes, you two are so small. Have you been dieting?

Rosalynn: Oh, heavens no. I’m sure we’re the same size as last time you saw us. It’s you who’ve grown. Do you think it was the vaccine or maybe something in the water up in Washington?

Jill: As a doctor [under her breath] of education, I can assure you that’s not the case.

Joe: Who knows why we’re so big and you’re so small? I’ll have Tony Fauci look into it. What Jill, er Dr. Jill and I want to talk to you about is all the issues we’re dealing with around the world, starting with . . .

Jimmy: Hold on just a minute, Joe. Terribly sorry to interrupt, but I just realized you’re not wearing a mask.

Joe: Well, no, Tony said it would be ok.

Jimmy: Didn’t you just appear in a Zoom meeting with world leaders while wearing a mask? They weren’t even on the same continent as you. You’re right here snuggling your enormous selves up against us, and we’re in our 90s!

Jill: To be honest, we were told no one in the South wears masks and we didn’t want to offend you. We know how sensitive um, y’all are to carpetbagging Yankees! Did I do that right?

Joe: What Dr. Jill’s trying to say is that we like to fit in with our audience, like back in ‘12 when I told an audience containing black folks that Mitt Romney and the Republicans were going to "put y’all back in chains.” [Laughing] Man, that got ‘em going. Same thing with the masks; you know what they say: when in Neanderthal, do as the Neanderthals do.

Jimmy: Speaking of Neanderthals, I’m surprised you’d come to Georgia, what with Jim Crow being reinstituted and all.

Joe: Well, just because a place is segregated doesn’t mean there aren’t nice people. Maybe racist, but still nice. I’ll never forget my old pal Robert Byrd.

Rosalynn: We had tickets to the All Star Game.

Joe: Sorry.

Rosalynn: Can I ask you a personal question? How’s Hunter doing?

Joe: Rosalynn, he’s doing great. Thanks for asking. He’s written a book and is on a book tour. My staff thinks it’s not great for him to keep himself in the news, but c’mon man. He’s his own person and has gotten where he is in life without relying on my name, and I’m not going to stand in his way now.

Jimmy: Joe, but what about the dru . . .

Joe: [Interrupting, tersely] No comment.

Jill: Oh, Joe. Don’t be sensitive. What about the two of you, how long have you been married now?

Rosalynn: [Proudly] We were married July 7, 1946!

Joe: [Under his breath] Jeez, they say I’m old…

Jimmy: Beg pardon, Joe?

Joe: Oh, um, I just said, “Freeze, make world cold.”

[Others look at Joe confusedly].

Joe: It’s, um, it’s a climate change thing. I was just remembering when you told people to turn down their thermostats to save energy, Jimmy, back in the ‘70s. You were ahead of your time! And I can see you practice what you preach. It’s as cold as a Wilmington Amtrak platform in January in here.

Jimmy: Dear, could you please move over a bit. You’re literally crushing me.

Jill: I’m so sorry, Joe’s right about the temperature. I was just enjoying your body heat.

Joe: And when you were president, Jimmy, the country was literally running out of gasoline! What I wouldn’t give for that. Man, that'd get Greta Thunberg off my back.

Staff member: Excuse me, Mr. President, we really do need to go.

Joe: Oh, alright. My staff gets awfully mad at me when we’re running late. It’s why I always run up the stairs on Air Force One and you saw what happened. I wish they’d just let me take my time.

Jimmy: Ha, you’re right! Ford’s people were always telling him to hurry and do this and hurry and do that. I don’t think I would’ve been president without those tricky Air Force One stairs and Jerry’s impatient staff.

Jill: We’re heading over to meet with Stacey Abrams. She’s got a new non-profit dedicated to getting Republicans to accept election results. Wouldn’t that be nice.

[All roll eyes]

Rosalynn: Oh, well, so nice of you to stop by!

Jimmy: Joe, I’m sorry we didn’t get to talk about the issues much.

Joe: Oh, it’s ok, Jimmy. All I do is talk about issues. It’s been nice just to shoot the bull, as we used to say back in Scranton.

Jimmy: Don’t hit your head on the way out!

Joe: Don’t get swallowed up by the cushions!