Biden, Harris try, fail to bury the hatchet

A transcript of the proceedings

The scene: Joe Biden and Kamala Harris sit at opposite ends of a six-seat table in a room in the White House, eating lunch. This is the first such lunch meeting in months, after Biden had promised, at the outset of their administration, to dine weekly with Harris. It comes after weeks of anonymously sourced sniping in the press between Biden’s staff and Harris’s as the two Democrats vie for position in the run-up to the 2024 presidential primary.

The photographers and staff leave the room; president and vice president get down to business.

Joe: Kamala, thanks for coming. I think we should clear the air after all this nonsense in the papers.

Kamala: I couldn’t agree more, Joe. And since we’re clearing things up, it’s not pronounced CAM - AH - LAH. It’s KAH - MAH - LAH. It’s easy to remember: just COMMA and LAH.

Joe: No kidding? What’s that, Italian?

Kamala: (Pauses) No, it’s Indian.

Joe: Wait a second, I thought you were . . .

Kamala: Black? I am, but I’m also Indian. I’m the first African-Indian-American Vice President.

Joe: That’s great! We should have used that in the campaign. (Pauses) What tribe?

Kamala: (Sighs) Never mind, Joe. I shouldn’t have brought it up. Let’s do what we came here to do.

Joe: Right. (Takes note card out of pocket and reads) I want you to know that the reports that I’m disappointed in you, that you’re a work in progress and that you’re not taking anything off my plate are completely false. (Folds note card and pushes it to the side of the table) It’s not so much that I’m disappointed . . . I just expected more from you, you know, in this thing we’re doing together.

Kamala: (Indignant) You expected more from me? You’ve got to be kidding me right now. All you’ve done is hold me down. You told everyone I was going to solve the border crisis! Your official policy is that there isn’t a border crisis. How can I solve something that doesn’t exist, for pete’s sake?!

Joe: Leave Buttigieg out of this. He’s got enough problems with the trains. He’s got this brilliant idea to keep the low-speed trains from crashing all the time by making them go a lot faster - making them high-speed trains. Now, that’s outside the box thinking that moves voters. Literally! Ha! Man, “trains move voters” . . . I’ve still got it, I’ll tell ya.

Kamala: You always liked Pete more than me, and everyone knows it and thinks it’s racist and sexist. And, no, you don’t still (scare quote fingers) “got it,” Joe. By the way, do you want my bacon? I read that men in their 80s should eat more bacon.

Joe: Really? That’s not what Jill says, and she’s a doctor. And I’m sick and tired of you calling me a racist. I mean, it was one thing to do it during that primary debate back in ‘20, but we’re on the same team now, Cam-ah-lah.

Kamala: Comma-lah. It sure doesn’t feel to me like we’re a team, Joe. More like grumpy, confused, old dad and pioneering, intersectional, courageous, glass-ceiling-shattering, history-making daughter. Wait, was that a cough?

Joe: No, I don’t think so.

Kamala: Are you sure? I could’ve sworn I heard you cough in that frail, rattling way that really old people cough right before they die. Have you thought about - I mean, really thought about - how you want to spend your last days, Joe? Would you rather spend them in meetings and flying from place to place giving speeches, or would you rather spend them with Jill and Hunter? I’m truly concerned about you as a friend.

Joe: Nah, Jill comes with me wherever I go - she’s part of the official White House medical team, you know. And Hunter, well, he’s got so many other interests he just doesn’t seem to have much time for ol’ dad, you know?

Kamala: Butter?

Joe: Uh, no, no thanks. I think what it comes down to is . . . you’re just not ready for the presidency, Cam-ah-lah. I’m going to have to take one for Team America again in ‘24. Here’s the thing, I’m not sure if I can win with you on the ticket this time. You’re like the least popular vice president in my lifetime.

Kamala: Comma-lah. And those polls way oversample racists and sexists. I don’t believe them for a moment. I’m not going to step down, Joe, so you can replace me with Pete or someone else who checks only one diversity box. Need I remind you that I check three boxes, Joe. Unless you can find a four-boxer, you’re stuck with me.

Joe: Fine, fine, but can you please tell the Second Gentleman to stop greasing the steps to Air Force One? I know he’s the one doing it. Someone’s going to get killed!