2024 asserts its dominance

The end of 2024 finds us back with the students of Gregorian High School, the aspirationally comedic convention wherein each of the students is a year in history. We did this to close out 2021, 2022 and 2023, too.

This time, like when sitcom writers introduce a new character four seasons in to freshen up a flagging franchise, there’s a twist:

Each year takes on the personage of the president who was elected that year.

The students find themselves at the Mar-a-Lago Club in Palm Beach, Florida, where 2024 holds court in a sitting room featuring opulent lounging furniture in the style of a Persian prince and walls coated with gold leaf and many, many paintings of, well, 2024.

2024, blond hair combed over the top to create a follicle cloud aloft betwixt bulletproof feathering on the sides: Thank you. Thank you for coming. Please, please help yourself to the McDonald’s buffet. I made the fries myself, and they are the best fries. Absolute best.

1908: Don’t mind if I do, Donald.

2024: William, you were already doing. Anyway, I asked you all here today so I can tell you why 2024 is the greatest year in history except for maybe 2016.

2020, faintly: Oh, c’mon, man. You made me come all this way to tell me how great you are? If they’d a let me stay in the race, I woulda licked you worse than you’ve ever been licked!

2024, pauses briefly, then: As I was saying, 2024 has been the best year. What other year has a president been shot . . .

1960: Ah . . .

1860: Well, I . . .

2024: . . . and lived to tell about it?

1960 and 1860: Oh.

1904: 1912!

2024, finger on chin, looking upward: Well, Teddy, I guess you’re right. But in what other year has a president survived two assassination attempts?

1976: Well, Donald, he’s not at this gathering because he never won a presidential election, but 1975 was a pretty bad year for Jerry.

1980: And this year was a pretty bad one for you, Jimmy.

All: Ohhh!

1976: Not true! I lived to vote against Donald, and died before he was inaugurated. And I got to see most of Joe’s presidency. I always felt like his was the second term I never had.

2020: Hey, Jack, what do you mean by that?

1960, startled to attention: What?

2024: Enough! Damn it, William, leave some McRib for everyone else! Back to 2024. What other year did Americans have to suffer through having a president who was, and I’m sorry Joe but there’s no other way to put it, not all there?

2020, lunging toward 2024 but restrained by others: Why, I oughtta . . .

1912: Well, I think some of it was frankly overblown but there were times in 1919 and 1920 that Edith had to help me out a bit, like Jill did for you.

2020, still struggling to reach 2024: Dr. Jill!

All groan.

2024: Woodrow’s right. What is it about you guys losing it in the midst of a progressive revolution? It’s almost like . . .

1920: Not normalcy.

1980: Evil Empire.

1968: Crooks!

2020: Speaking of crooks, Warren, you should stay right the hell out of this. Teapot Dome was the second biggest threat to democracy we’ve ever faced.

2024: Yeah, right after Hunter.

2020, angrily: Hunter did nothing wrong.

All laugh.

1828: Hey, Don, where’s the crapper?

1824, shaking his head: Cretin.

2024: Down the hall and take a right just past the boxes marked “TOP SECRET.”

1800: It becomes necessary to turn on the fan in the course of this human event, Andrew!

1932: Say, would now be a bad time to point out that I was elected four times, and never lost?

2024, staring at FDR: I won three times and never lost, Frank, and who knows about 2028?

2008, rolling his eyes: Donald, please. And clearly 2008 was the greatest year of all time because America elected its first black president.

1992: Well, some people say . . .

2008: No, Bill, that doesn’t count!

2024: And many people are saying you’re not American, Barack. Very interesting subject. You should look into it.

1788: SILENCE! All of you, stop. I wasn’t born in the United States, and no president should ever serve more than two terms. The best year is 1776 . . .

1800: Hoorah!

1788: . . . and none of us were elected that year. We’re not such a big deal.

All are momentarily stunned, then commence bickering.

Wishing all you Rounduppers the happiest New Year ever!

-Jeff